Hi, my name is Katie and I’m a pretty average human being.
Carbs are my religion and smeared eyeliner is part of my usual aesthetic. One time, I woke up with an entire pizza in my purse. It was pepperoni, so that was cool.
To put things simply, I’m one of those girls who’s single and no one wonders why. It’s just a well-known fact I’d rather be making love to a hot plate of lasagna than a man who’s probably shorter than me.
I also went to college for four years, AKA I spent 1,460 days drunk eating nachos and those “just add water” Easy Mac cups. My mom bought me an entire stock of them from Costco when I was a freshman and they were gone within a week.
If I’m being completely honest (the Internet is a safe space, right?!), I gained some serious weight during my undergrad experience.
It just didn’t appeal to me to sustain a healthy lifestyle when I knew I had 24/7 access to dining halls with endless cookies, bagels and chips. AND they had self-serve ice cream. Ice cream is the best.
But now I have a full-time job, so the way I eat and drink has ~drastically~ changed.
I’ve naturally reduced my calorie intake over the past year because now I have to buy my own alcohol instead of stealing it from frats. I also have to cook my own meals instead of joining clubs to get free samples at the bake sale.
Over the past couple of months, I decided it’s time to get my high school body back. It’s the only way to make every boy who’s ever rejected me realise he made a mistake and I’m perfect (I’m kidding, roast me).
To help me on my mission, I decided to try a detox tea because, IDK, why the F not? I decided to buy a bag and test it out for myself. What’s the worst that could happen? I become uglier? (Hahahha, I’m crying inside.)
About a month ago, I bought a 28 Day Detox Tea. All you have to do is drink one cup of tea every morning & night. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.
For the most part, I drank the tea every morning. Every so often I would forget and have to drink it before a workout, but I decided to leave the tea on my desk at work and make a cup right after breakfast.
Here’s the thing about a tea detox diet: You can’t just drink a cup of tea every day and still stuff your face with pizza. It doesn’t cancel out calories, it just helps you burn extra. I had to cut out a lot of bread from my diet in order to shed the pounds.
Here are some foods I thought about every time I ran on the treadmill because I didn’t eat them for the entire month: fettuccine alfredo, Cool Ranch Doritos, Boston cream pie, German chocolate cake, a block of cheddar cheese.
I also had to exercise, which I haven’t done in a while. Detox tea is great for people who are eating right and exercising regularly but just want an extra boost.
It definitely helped me feel energised and got my metabolism going. I could feel the fat burning off my body. I was shedding layers like a snake.
I wasn’t crazy about checking the scale, which was a good thing. I actually didn’t expect to have such successful results, so I only checked my weight once every week.
When my 28 days were over, I stepped on the scale and was pleasantly surprised to find out I lost 7 kilos.
I also got butt naked every time I stood on the scale and only weighed myself in the morning (before eating anything) so I could get the ABSOLUTE LOWEST number. I’m sure that played a part.
Going on a tea detox changed my life. Yesterday, a man stopped me on the street to tell me my shoe was untied. Today, some guy held the door open for me at Starbucks.
I even got a solid 32 likes on one of my Instagrams without having to like it from my fake account. I also went down a couple of jean sizes, so that’s pretty sweet.
It’s best to remember that results can be different for everybody. One of my co-workers went on a tea cleanse and it was the worst experience of her life. I guess I just got lucky.
As a disclaimer, I’m not a doctor or a dietitian or a nutritionist or even a properly functioning human being.
I have no idea how weight loss or diets work, I’m just trying to get a match on Tinder.